I think I have always struggled with depression to some degree during the course of my life. As a child, I was painfully shy and strongly resisted change. We moved to five different states during my first 17 yrs of life, and I never handled my role as “new girl” with much grace. Don’t get me wrong, I always found my way, made wonderful friends, and adapted to my surroundings. It just never came easy and was never a comfortable process. Well, here I sit again feeling lonely and unknown. Here I am again as “new girl” trying to find my way.
This 4th of July was really difficult for me emotionally. This holiday seemed cast in the shadow of cancer, loss, and uncertainty. Last year at this time I was celebrating on the beach at my parents’ house with my sisters, nieces, and nephews, as I do every year. I was chasing the boys on the beach, laughing with my sisters, eating barbecue on the deck, and taking pictures of all the kids wearing Grandpa’s silly Uncle Sam hat… This year Grandpa (my dad) lie suffering in a hospital with my mom at his side. My sisters were busy with new life changes of their own. Kim just moved into her new house and Chrissy waits expectantly for Baby Adelaide to arrive. We all were separate….on our own.
I am so grateful that my father is still with us and praise God that He has granted us more time to spend together as a family. But being in a new community, with few friends who truly know me and love me…being without my family during a holiday that defines “summer fun” for me was harder than I anticipated. I feel like the “new girl” all over again and realize that like so many times in the past, I have to press forward. I have to pick up the phone and allow myself to become known. I have to cry and call out to my Lord to save me from depression’s pull into darkness. I have to be brave and grow where I have been planted. I know that He will continue to be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path if I continue to faithfully seek Him. Sometimes…it’s just hard.