Step 2: Go into your mother’s linen closet and pull out 2 white tablecloths, a tan airline blanket, and a random piece of tulle. Layer said items in a way that looks casual, put-together, yet doesn’t blow away in the wind. (The knots in the airline blanket help with this feat.)
Step 3: Go up to the attic, which looks more like a Michael’s, and find some hurricane globes.
Step 5: Go into your mother’s china cabinet and pull out her prized-specially-made-one-of-a-kind-artistry-gift-from-my-father-do-not-touch- if-you-break-it-you’re-disowned-your-little-sister-told-you-not-to-dare-do-it-mermaid and place her (oh-so-gingerly) on the table. Since you’re already in trouble, take the prized pelican on the driftwood and place him out there as well.
Step 6: Make up your own dessert that is supposed to look like a clam but turns into a big mess on a bed of crushed graham cracker sand and try to play it off in front of your guests.