Dear Mr. Clean,
I have to admit that your appearance is a bit intimidating, and I honestly wasn’t sure I wanted to bring you home to my family. Â No offense, but I have two small impressionable boys and I really wasn’t sure the whole left-earring-shaved-head-tight-white-t-shirt look was something I wanted modeled for them. Â I was wrong to judge you. Â You are fabulous. Â You have worked your magic all throughout my house and I am now completely smitten with you. Â No worries Mr. Clean. Â I’m a happily married woman and even if I weren’t, I’m not sure we’d make a good couple. Â Actually, I’m not entirely sure you prefer women in general, but I digress. Â
The work you have done on my sink with your magic sponge is truly phenomenal.  It now sparkles and shines just like the top of your head.  The crayon on my wall is now gone.  The scuff marks on my floor–gone.  The dingy dirt on the toys I’m getting ready to consign–completely gone!  You are magical.  You are very clean.  I love the work you do!  This is what makes this conversation all the more awkward and actually a bit painful.  You see I just have a small bone to pick with you.  Your magic is not so magical on granite countertops.  Your magic sponge looks just like a normal sponge to the untrained eye.  This said untrained eye used your magic inappropriately and now my gorgeous granite is dingy and filmy looking and perhaps ruined.  I’m trying not to hold a grudge.  Really, I am.  But this mishap has definitely caused a rift in our relationship.  I just thought you should know.  I’m working on forgiving you.  These things take time.  None of us are perfect.
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I've often wondered why Mr. Clean doesn't shave his eyebrows a bit… they could use a shaping..
Ooooo vindication? Maybe I'm not so dumb after all! None of us is dumb? None of us are dumb? http://motivatedgrammar.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/none-is-none-are-grammar-according-to-clarkson/
Ugh. Leave it my father (who happens to be riddled with cancerous brain tumors and should be glowing from radiation) to catch a grammatical error on my part! I'll never be as smart as you Dad, but at least I inherited your wit :).
Just rewrite your last sentence thus: "None of us IS perfect" and you will prove to be the exception!
Love you, Dad
PS — Matt, take it from someone who has been there: Even contracting a potentially fatal illness does not get you off the hook when it comes to domestic snafus 😉
Oh my. Very funny post until you got to the granite part. That's not cool at all. Would it help if you resealed it? Yikes.
Otherwise very funny and clever, which goes without saying. We've been planning on having Eric dress as Mr. Clean for Halloween for years now. One of these times we will do it.
You have to be REALLY careful what you use Magic Erasers to clean. It is made of made of melamine foam.
When wet it adheres to whatever you are scrubbing and breaks down into a microscopic polymer abrasive.
I did a little looking to see if I could find a fix for you, and the only thing I found was to talk to a granite supplier/installer about restoring the finish to your granite.
Mr.Clean and I enjoyed the same relationship until her took the finish off of one of my tables (husband used it on it – not me!).
I'm sorry that Mr.Clean did that to you. That was not nice!! Shame on him. You so cleverly depicted him as honorable and useful. I hope that he did not underhandedly ruin the granite forever. Didn't he even post a warning on the label?